Ok, so… yesterday we were hanging out with my girlfriend and out of nothing she said ‘you’re growing stretch marks on your legs’. I laughed and replied ‘I’m not surprised, I’m kind of too fat’. And unexpectedly (at least for me) she told me ‘…do you want me to lie to you?’, and laughed.
I automatically stood in slilence. That comment shook me really bad. I told her I didn’t want her to lie to me, and then, when she saw I was genuinely sad, she told me that she didn’t want to see me just ‘doing nothing’ about it, and that she had never seen me ‘like this’.
A few minutes later, I started doing things like laundry and staff at home, just to not be with her. I went to the kitchen, put all the cookies in a market bag and hid it, then I opened the fridge and I also hid all the things that weren’t ‘dietetic’.
I’ve never done that, even when I’m on a diet, but this time I felt the ugliest human being on Earth. Maybe she was the last person I expected to hear that from. At least not after all this time I thought a million times what to say to her when she asked me if she was pretty when she was recovering from anorexia.
I felt terrible.
I feel terrible.
Now I don’t want her to kiss me, or touch me, it makes me feel embarassed. I don’t want her to see me naked, After all these years together, I don’t want to have sex with her. The only idea of her seeing my fat face, my fat arms, my fat legs… it just torments me.
I hate this… I didn’t choose to have this fucking body.